First off I need to apologize for taking such a long break from my last posting. Things have gotten extremely hectic and that has prevented me from being able to write. Plus, I sort of ran out of ideas. Which is surprising and weird. But, I promised myself that I will take the time to write. Write about anything and everything. So here ya go!
This blog post is a little darker than my others, but I guess it is time to start getting down to the nitty gritty of my life. Behind that smile I have in my pictures is actually a girl who was once not so happy. Who did not know what happiness was for a very long time. It took time and healing, but I have gotten better. I have found reasons to be happy and excited about life. I found who the real Tyler is.
The need to be good enough. This is something that I strive for and have for a while. I actually cannot remember the last time where I felt that I was not having to try. I have fought to be where I am at today in terms of getting myself to believe that I am good enough to have been given the things I have. I have been told that I am not nor ever will be good enough by people and that just made things worse.
Being good enough for me means that I deserve good things to happen to me. It has just felt like over time that only bad things happen, so I dwelled on them. I let them eat me alive, almost to the point that there was no point of ever focusing on something positive. So I was unhappy.
I put on such a front for everyone around me. I made it seem like I was happy and everything was okay, but the internal battle that I was fighting was unimaginable, and I was losing, fast. I needed something to help. Something to give myself a purpose again. So I wrote.
I wrote about the demons in my closet and have papers after papers on them. If someone ever read them and looked at me now, they would go “what happened?”
Honestly, I don’t know. It just seemed like things fell into place and it got better. I started looking at myself in the mirror and liking what I saw. Enjoying the moment, I was in. Now if only I had that year ago.
Demons still haunt me and can still get to me from time to time. But now I have the means to not let them drag me back down. I have a job that I love. I have a boyfriend that I love and see myself with for a very long time. I am graduating and will be the first in my family to graduate from college with a degree. I am better. I found happiness and along the way I found myself and who I want to be as a person.
Many may not like that, but I am living my life the way that I think. I am not going to let people bulldoze me, or bring me down. I will not let them bother me with pointless “drama”. I am choosing me, and will put myself first above all others because for once in my life I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO DO THAT.
So let this be the lesson for all: “Go ahead tell me that I’m not good enough, tell me I can’t do it, because I will show you over & over again. That I Can!”
I am Tyler and I am good enough.